Cocooned vs. Engaged

     As someone who struggles immensely with social anxiety, I quite often find myself turning to  headphones and music as a form of protection as I move through the outside world. In the crowded urban spaces in which I often roam, I've found it extremely difficult to let myself be seen, most especially in the past. It was about 7 years ago when this anxiety was at its peak, though sometimes it feels as if it was just yesterday. I used to find it extremely difficult to even step foot in the outside world. I can't provide an explanation as to why, but I was debilitatingly afraid- and for that reason, comfortably lonely despite knowing in my heart I needed the company. Music changed everything for me. Using it as both my shield , my power and my dream, I've been able to transform myself into someone more open to the world and the people within it. I decided to take a walk in both the day and the night, through the lens of my emotional past. Using the music that had once brought me great comfort in my hard times, I captured what I noticed, what I felt and the specific lyrics that spoke to me or my past self whilst relishing in my created solitude. 

Yume Utsutsu (2008)- Lamp 

     Because of my high strung nervous system, I more often than not found myself gravitating towards songs that carried gentle melodies and particularly slow tempos. I remember this song in particular feeling something like a soft breeze on a spring day, or the soft pitter-pattering of rain heard faintly on the roof top while you're indoors, on a couch or in bed- curtains open just enough to watch the downfall on the surrounding empty streets and parked cars. Listening to this on my walk made me reminiscent of this feeling, though in a way that feels much lighter. I only looked at the ground as I walked, because this is how I used to walk through spaces before I had the courage to direct my gaze forward. I noticed the small crowds of dandelions, dancing loosely in the wind. I felt the strong feeling of having 'a young hearts wish fulfilled'. On the first day at the lodges I am currently staying in, my boyfriend picked one of the dandelions from this patch of grass, turned the flower towards my lips and asked me to make a wish. My wish was already fulfilled through the comfort of his company that I didn't realize I wanted and needed beside me. Still, I made a wish anyways. I won't share it, for the hope that maybe it will come true. 

Vincent (1971)- Don Mclean

    In my nights alone, I always found myself gravitating towards this song. I discovered it during some of the darker times in my life. The song speaks about the oil painter Vincent Van Gogh. It really spoke to who I was back then with both sensitivity and poetic clarity. "Starry, starry night, paint your palette blue and grey. Look out on a summers day, with eyes that know the darkness in my soul." With the last song, I mentioned that I was used to looking down as I walked, however at night, when I was truly alone, that was never the case. On the night of this photo, I stayed up until 1:30 am. I was in true solitude- every person at this lodge was asleep except for me it seemed. The sky was clear of clouds that day and the stars were shining brighter than I've ever seen them, I swear I saw like fifty shooting stars. I was intuitively inspired to play it both out of reminiscence and just the perfection of the timing. "Now I think I know, what you tried to say to me. How you suffered for your sanity. How you tried to set them free. They would not listen, they did not know how. Perhaps they'll listen now." Back then, this song spoke to the feeling of being misunderstood, or most of the time- unheard. 

    "They did not listen, they're not listening still. Perhaps they never will." Now, it calls to the part of me that still holds grief for who I was and who I wish I could've been instead. I hold this with both melancholy and acceptance. 

2 Hold U (2017) - Clairo

  Even within all of my fear, I still had hope for the dreams I held within me. I had always been passionate for music, and despite all of my anxiousness, I loved to sing, and most of all- I wanted to be a singer. 2 Hold U was one of the first songs I had the courage to cover and post on Soundcloud. It was horrible quality and I didn't know how to edit on garageband for the life of me. But still, I posted it. "Everywhere that I go, I just see you, I see you. I told my mom, my friends all know we get along. I want you to want me too." During that time, this song didn't speak of romance to me, at least not in a relationship way. When you know something is for you, you just feel it in your heart and soul. That's how I felt about singing. I thought that there was no way I could ever perform, but not every artist has to perform live or loudly. Because of this, the song resonates in a completely different way now. With time, patience and hard work, I've 'bloomed' in my own way. The flowers I captured along my walk as I listened to this song reminded me of this growth. I do sing now. I perform live as well. I even performed in the school festival and a couple of paid gigs. If you were to ask me to do this even 2 years ago, I would've immediately declined out of fear. From struggling to even go outside to now, this? It's been a hard journey but I can't begin to describe how far I've come to get to where I am now. This song and what I've captured speaks to my pride of my own growth in the most humbling way I could've received it. I wouldn't be who I am now without this, as much as I tried to ignore my doubts away. It's a grounding, peaceful feeling to reflect upon this now. 

I Don't Wanna Be Nothin' (2019) - Verzache

    "And I've been trying. And I'll keep going. Even when I feel like dying. I don't wanna be nothin'." I listened to this song when I was sinking to the very depth of my despair. As much as I would like to pretend it doesn't exist, there were times in my life when I wished myself away. Whether it be through the worst of my panic attacks, or all the times I knew I didn't belong in the places I was in and all the complexities within that- those things can really get to you after quite a few years. But even through it all, I felt it in my soul that I had bigger things in life coming my way than just that. I remember crying outside on the steps of my house, looking at the sunset and hearing this song, these lyrics. "Used to the ground. Not used to change. But I'm changing me now. Just letting me fall. I let myself fall down. And now, I'm full of love." There is a saying that once you hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up. I knew that I couldn't persist the way I was going, so I had to change direction in some way. That was the day I finally opened up to my mother about what was going on in my head, and the day I decided to ask to receive therapy.

     It was the best decision I ever made, as scary as it was to be so entirely vulnerable. The night I captured this photo was the same night I stayed up until 1:30 am. As if divinely timed, this song played randomly on a playlist I used to use when I was younger. I snapped photos of the sky hoping to catch the shooting stars. Instead, the next morning, when I really looked at the photos I took, I found out I had accidentally captured a glimpse of the northern lights. They weren't strong enough to see with the naked eye, but it was still there, unbeknownst to me. This spoke so incredibly to the way this song made me feel back then. Funny enough, seeing the northern lights is something that has been on my bucket list since I knew they existed. "Wish you'd know this, my words unspoken. I can't focus, my future wrote this." This photo I captured is my personal metaphor to the blind faith I held in myself, knowing that there are things that I couldn't give up on achieving in my life and the ways acceptance seemed to magically transform into a wish finally fulfilled only once I began to pursue instead of reject out of doubt. Now, I give myself permission to have almost complete vulnerability and hope, for the purpose that I can pass the same message I received along to the next person that needs it too. I think we all have that desire deep in our hearts that keeps us going when things are just too hard. Sometimes all it takes is to open ourselves up to one another with the blind hope that all is not hopeless. That to me, is what faith in ones self means and I believe that this photo with both it's timing and its story captures that explosive yet peaceful magnificence in understanding this once and for all, even when it is not realized on the surface.